mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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