These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
