Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
