You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
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