Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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