I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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