The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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