just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
