im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
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