The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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