god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Randomize
