update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
