yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
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