he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
