When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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