Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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