i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
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