I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
