maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
