I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
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