so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
