just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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