I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
