a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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