am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
