What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize
