i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
