She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
