My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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