You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
