My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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