I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
