I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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