don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
what is it with giant penises always finding me
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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