Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
Randomize
