A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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