Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
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