I am spending my child support on dildos
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Randomize
