Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
