Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
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