I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
