Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
