If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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