i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
