i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
