Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
