i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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