i just google imaged poop.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Randomize
