The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize