I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
