a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
i now understand why vodka
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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