Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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