I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Randomize
