Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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