Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
