I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
