You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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