OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
