i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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