Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
