1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Randomize
