SEEEEXXX PLEASE
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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