If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
